The Gift of a Father

Often when I see Mark with Isaac I think the most wonderful gift Isaac's birthmother gave him was the gift of a father.

If she had not decided to make an adoption plan, but had chosen instead to raise her little one herself, Isaac would have had a mother. He even would have had wonderful grandparents who most likely would have been very involved in his life (we met them, and they are wonderful people). But he wouldn't have had a father.

The other night I listened through the baby monitor as Mark put Isaac to bed. Since I'm ready for a break by 6:30 or so, that task usually falls to Mark--and he does a much better job than I do. Mark talks the whole time while he's putting on a diaper, changing Isaac into his pajamas, as he gives him his evening bottle. That night I listened as Mark read Isaac a simple board book, but added his own commentary, pointing out details in the pictures. When they got to a picture of a baby in a "bouncy seat", Mark said, "Oh look, Isaac, that baby is in a bouncy seat--his mommy must be in the shower." :-) Then Mark rubs each of Isaac's fingers and each of his toes, as he counts them--One, two, three, four, five. Usually he will quietly sing Isaac a song just before he puts him down in his crib with his Mr. Elephant.

I absolutely love watching Mark be a dad--I'm sure every wife who is blessed to have children loves to watch the transformation of her husband into a loving father. It makes it a little more amazing to me that it is the miracle of adoption that not only gives me the opportunity to see Mark become a father, but that makes it possible for Isaac to even have a father in his life.

I am so grateful for the woman who made this choice. This Christmas season, as Isaac's birthmother may be thinking about last Christmas when she was carrying this little person in her body, and beyond the holiday as Isaac's birthday approaches, I pray that God will comfort and bless her, and give her some sense of the wonderful gift she gave her child--the gift of a father.

Do I Say Something or Let it Go?

Since becoming an adoptive parent I've become more sensitive to certain things, as I mentioned in an earlier post. The other day I had a strong reaction to something I heard on the radio: in a little radio drama a teenage girl says to her friend after her father embarrasses her, "OMG, I am so adopted!"

It bothered me enough that I went to the ministry's website and submitted a letter expressing my disappointment at their word choice. Here is the letter:

I just heard about your ministry recently while listening to a podcast of one of my favorite Moody radio shows. I have looked at your website and appreciate the ministry you have to parents and young people. I think you are doing a very good work. I wanted to write, though, because I was disappointed by something I heard in one of your short radio commentaries the other day. The message was encouraging parents to respect their teenage children by not embarrassing them. There was a little radio drama in which a father embarrasses his teenage daughter by trying to talk "hip" and her response is to say, "I am so adopted." I have a nine month old adopted son. When I heard the girl on the radio drama use the word adopted in that way, I was taken aback. I wondered what would my son think hearing something like that once he is old enough to start understanding and asking questions about his own adoption. I couldn't figure out why the writers of that short program would have chosen to use the word "adopted" to communicate the daughter's desire to distance herself from her father. As an adoptive parent, I was hurt by the implication that an adopted child is somehow less connected or less related to his or her parents than a biological child would be. I have looked at your website and I know that you appreciate adoption, which is wonderful. I just wanted to let you know that this particular radio commentary communicated something to me, and probably to others listening, that you may not have intended. Thank you for your work, and for listening to my concerns.

This is the response I received:

Thanks for your note. I truly appreciate your thoughtful expression of concern. And you're right; the comment in question was never intended to harm or offend - rather to reflect the type of awkward feelings teens sometimes have when their parents try too hard to "be cool."

The rest of the note was simply assuring me that they were a ministry for all types of parents, and that the ministry's president is an adoptive parent himself, etc. I confess I was hoping for something more--if not an actual apology for using the word "adopted" to reflect the teen's awkward feelings, at least an acknowledgment that my feelings were somehow understood. Instead I feel like the response was: The comment was never intended to harm or offend, so if you were offended, that's your problem not ours.

At this point I'm sure the most mature thing to do is just let it go. But part of me wants to write back and push them a little more--ask them, why did you choose that word? How do you think an adopted child hearing that word used in that way might feel about himself? Is there some way you could have expressed the same thing differently? Will you consider taking that particular spot off the air?

I would appreciate hearing from other adoptive parents out there--do you think I'm being overly sensitive? Should I continue the conversation, or just let it go?

Hard to Believe

I was realizing this week that Saturday is the anniversary of the day we met Isaac's birthmother. She was visibly pregnant at the time, and I remember thinking, as I do almost every time I see a pregnant woman, how unbelievable it was that there was a little person inside that bump.

What's even more hard to believe is that that same person who was inside that belly one year ago is now sleeping in a crib in the next room.

It's Final!

A couple of weeks ago, we headed to the Summit County Courthouse for the finalization of Isaac's adoption. I went back and looked at my posts from about a year ago--on September 7, 2008 I had written about God setting the lonely in families. On September 8, 2009, our family officially became a little more complete. (Not completely complete--we're already ready for Isaac to have a little brother or sister.)

Many people asked me leading up to the finalization if I was nervous or worried. I really wasn't. Everything was in place, this was just the last legal hurdle that had to be jumped. I honestly wasn't that excited about having to go through with the hearing--I felt like I would be fine if they just sent me a letter saying it was all done. But I think I'm glad there was this official event. The pictures below are very special, I think. Obviously, we have loved Isaac as our own son since we first laid eyes on him. But now we have pictures showing us standing in front of a judge, saying that we will love him as our son forever and ever. Not every child gets such an official expression of love and commitment from his parents.

Educating about Adoption

Mark had to "educate" someone about adoption yesterday at church. We were visiting the church he grew up in with Isaac for the first time. After the service, an old friend saw Mark holding a baby, so came up and asked him, "Is he yours?" Mark proudly said, "Yes, he is!" The man responded, "Oh, I thought I had heard he was adopted." Mark said, "Yeah, he is."

I have become very sensitive to the things people sometimes say, completely innocently, related to adoption. For example, although I try to be gracious outwardly, inwardly it drives me crazy when people say things like, "So, did you meet Isaac's mother before he was born?" Um, excuse me. I'm his mother. I don't mean to minimize the role Isaac's birthmother had and will always have in his life. She took wonderful care of him for the first nine or so months of his existence. I know she will always think of Isaac as her son. I am amazed at the selfless decision she made to give Isaac a family with a mom and a dad who could take care of him and love him in ways she could not. However, I am Isaac's mother, and Mark is his father. And it's not just about the work of being the mother and father, although we have changed the diapers, soothed him, bathed him, stayed with him in the hospital when he was sick. It's also that we know him--we've watched him develop over these last four months, and have figured out his rhythms, and the noises he makes when he's just about to fall asleep. We know how to make him laugh. And, we know that we will continue to be the ones to care for him and get to know him, and influence him, as he grows up.

I suppose it may be because of all the hoops we've had to go through to have a child that I get a little rankled when someone implies, albeit innocently or indirectly, that Isaac belongs to someone else. We've had our house inspected on numerous occasions. We have to inform various people whenever we take Isaac to the doctor or travel out of state. We had to have letters of recommendation written on our behalf and prove to the state of Ohio that our marriage is healthy and happy. If only all parents had to go through such a process to raise a child.

People will make comments like this again, and I hope Mark and I, and eventually Isaac, will be able to respond with grace. I know they don't mean any harm. I hope we can help people who aren't very familiar or comfortable with adoption understand that Isaac is adopted and he is ours. Always and forever.

Getting into a Rythm

I know it has been too long since I last posted. I have several posts started, describing the days in the hospital waiting to bring Isaac home, about his birthmother, about the transition to being a mom. The first several weeks Isaac was home with us I wasn't doing much writing, and then I went back to work. That was a difficult transition, so I didn't get much done beyond taking care of the baby and maybe managing to get some housework done (but not much of that!). Now the school year is over, and I just have a two-week summer program to teach, and then I will officially be a stay-at-home mom. Although that wasn't exactly my choice (I was hoping to maybe keep working part time) I am so looking forward to it. The transition to parenthood wasn't nearly as difficult as the transition to working parenthood.

Here are a couple of pictures from the last four months. I'll try to write more soon.



Mark packing Isaac up to go home from the hospital.




One of his first baths.




Grandpa and Isaac.

A more recent one. What a cutie, huh?

It's Official!

Well, sort of. Things went mostly smoothly this morning with the signing of the papers. Because of the legalities of the county Isaac was born in, he won't actually be officially and completely ours until the finalization which will happen in about six months. But, for all intents and purposes, we are the parents. There is very, very little chance that anything could happen in the next six months to change that.

So, I now feel free to post pictures!

He's Here!

We can hardly believe it, but Sunday night at around 8:30 we got a phone call from Christa, the SOFA social worker who works with birthmothers. She said that our baby’s birthmother was at the hospital, in labor, and her water had broken. Two and a half weeks before the due date. We started scrambling around the house to pack things to take with us, expecting several hours of labor and then at least 72 hours in the hospital waiting for the adoption papers to be signed.

We had found out Friday that the birthmother had wanted me to be in the room with her when she delivered the baby, and was OK with Mark being there up until the pushing started. We were very excited at the prospect of watching the birth of our son. But, it didn’t quite work out that way…We were in the car on the way to the hospital, about 15 minutes away, and we got another call from Christa saying that after only about 30 or 45 minutes of labor, our son had been born. So, before we even had a chance for it to sink in that we were even on the way to the hospital, our son had entered the world.

We arrived at the hospital and were asked to wait in the waiting room until the birthmother was ready for us to come in. We had told her several weeks ago that, while we were hoping to see him as soon as possible after the birth, we knew that “as soon as possible” meant as soon as she was ready for us to see him. Once we were asked to wait in the waiting room, though, I kind of forgot about that earlier commitment for a few minutes. We were really anxious to see him! But, we didn’t have to wait long. [A little aside--I will try to write more about our relationship with the birthmother sometime. I had intended to write a post about that before the birth, but for now I’ll just say that, so far, it has been really amazing. Referring to her as “the birthmother” sounds a little impersonal, but I don’t want to use her name to protect her privacy.]

We got to see him when he was about an hour old. He was born at 9:22, weighing 6 lbs, 6 oz and was 19.5 inches long. He is very healthy and very beautiful. I got to feed him his first bottle, and Mark and I were able to have him in the room with us the first night. I’ll write more about the days in the hospital later.

I am eager to post pictures of him, and some of you have already seen some through emails or FB. We’re somewhat in limbo here until tomorrow morning when the papers are signed, so I don’t know if I should post the pictures quite yet. Things are going smoothly, but I think I will wait until tomorrow to post all the pictures I want to share. I will tell you, though, that we named him Isaac Robert. And, he’s making little squeaking noises in his little basinet at the foot of my bed as I write this. I think I’m going to have to go pick him up soon…

More later…

Life Is Like a Box of Chocolates

I have heard several people say that they are not sure about adoption as a choice for them because “you just don’t know what you’re going to get.” Obviously, to some extent, that’s true no matter how you end up with children. I could argue that as adoptive parents, we have more say in what we get than parents through pregnancy. If you get pregnant you have little choice—you will bring home a newborn baby who will probably have physical characteristics and personality traits from both or at least one of the parents. If your child is born with physical or mental disabilities, you find a way to deal with it. Mark and I, on the other hand, got to (had to?) fill out a six-page “Child Characteristic Checklist.” It doesn’t seem quite right, but this list asked us to pick the age, race and even personality of our child. We could say whether or not we would consider adopting a child with any number of diseases or disabilities.

Filling out this list was excruciating for me, because whenever we started to check “no” on any choice, I felt like I was telling my own child “I can’t love you if you have this problem.” I had to pray through this process. Years before I met Mark, when I first started thinking that I wanted to adopt, I pictured myself adopting an older child, possibly with special needs, probably of a different race than me. A main reason for wanting to adopt at that time was that I felt (and still feel) compassion toward kids caught in a broken foster care system. It seemed like that was where the greatest need was. Adopting a “healthy white baby” somehow seemed like cheating. Everyone wants a healthy newborn—I wanted to give a home to a child no one else wanted.

That was the ideal. The reality was that when Mark and I sat down to fill out this checklist, we had to prayerfully consider what we could really handle at this point in our lives—emotionally, financially, spiritually, socially. In the end, our completed home study said we were approved to adopt “one child of either sex ranging in age from birth to one year with mild needs”.

Of course, even after all that, we still don’t know exactly what we’re going to get. We do know that we are having a newborn baby boy, and that his birthmother is white. We’ve met her several times, so we know what she looks like. We know that she hasn’t smoked or drunk alcohol since she’s been pregnant, and she has had good prenatal care. As far as we can tell, she and the baby are both as healthy as can be.

There is still a lot we don’t know. We don’t know what his voice will sound like, or whether he will be an introvert or an extrovert, or whether he will like team sports or individual sports or no sports. We don’t know if he will be strong-willed or compliant. Or if he’ll get into trouble at school. Or if he’ll have a lot of friends. Will he be good with his hands and love to work in the garden like his father? Will he be a thinker and love math like his mother?

Do parents through pregnancy really know much more than we do about what they are going to get? I don’t know. The fact is, it doesn’t matter much what we do or don’t know about this little boy. God already knows everything about him, and everything about us. And all the evidence we have so far says that God has meant for us to be this child’s parents. That’s all we need to know.

Erdmann Baby

Last spring, a friend of Mark’s family felt led to pray for Mark and me to conceive a child. In fact, I think I even remember him praying that we would conceive a child, like, that night. While I was grateful for the prayer, at the time we were already in the thick of our home study, and that was more my focus. I certainly wouldn’t have minded conceiving at that time, or at any time before or since, but at that point I would have rather had prayer for the adoption process.

This has happened a lot since we committed to adoption. For the most part I don’t mind if someone feels led and asks to pray that we would conceive a child. What bothers me a bit more is when we specifically ask for prayer for the adoption, but people end up praying for conception. Don’t get me wrong—we would be thrilled to find out I was pregnant. But when we want prayer for adoption and people end up praying that we would conceive, it can feel like the pray-er is assuming that we would prefer to get pregnant, and adoption is a second best option. Yes, I am disappointed that I have been unable to get pregnant so far, but I am not in the least disappointed to be adopting. It is something I would have wanted to do anyway at some point.

Anyway, as that friend prayed, he brought up the lineage that Mark comes from—a strong line of Christian men and women, some pastors, many people of prayer, including his 100 year old grandmother who has always been a prayer warrior for her grandchildren. Something in the way he prayed this seemed to highlight the significance of the fact that this baby he was praying for would be born into this lineage.

When Mark and I were first talking about adoption, he was somewhat disappointed that an adopted child wouldn’t share this biological ancestry. He mentioned this concern to a wise friend of ours, who gave Mark some wonderful words of encouragement. Our adopted children will still be a part of this line of Christ-followers. The way we raise our children will be influenced by the way we were raised, and that was influenced by the way our parents were raised, and so on, back and back and back. Our son will grow up with family traditions that go back generations. And not only traditions, but mannerisms, values and habits have been passed on through our parents, and will be passed on to our child. Prayers that have been said by generations of Erdmanns for children and grandchildren will apply to this child every bit as much as to any children we may have through pregnancy. There may not be a biological connection with our first, but I would argue that the biology isn’t the important part anyway. Faith and character are not genetic traits.

This is very much in line with what Paul said about adoption versus birth. The author of the article “Blessed are the Barren” that I have mentioned in previous posts, even claims that God cares more about adoption than He does about birth. She points out Paul’s argument that while he was a “Hebrew of Hebrews” and came from a biological line that set him up to be a “Pharisee of Pharisees,” that meant nothing compared to his adoption as a true son of God. Our child may not be born into the wonderful family that Mark was born into, but his adoption into this family is no less real and no less powerful.

It is interesting to point out that the timing for this prayer by Mark’s family friend happened Memorial Day weekend of last year. Exactly nine months before our baby’s due date. Could it be that he did hear from God that our child would be conceived that night, and just assumed that meant conceived by us? Who knows. But this child will be ours, and he will grow up to carry on the lineage of his father (and his mother), whether he carries an Erdmann gene or not.

A Timeline

I keep trying to write a blog to explain how we came to the decision to adopt, and it keeps ending up being too long, and probably too detailed. The answer in simplest form is: God.

God used several friends, our niece Gwen, and some strange and difficult situations to get the ball rolling for us, and to lead us to the baby we’ll bring home in February. To save some space and time, I’ve tried to whittle down the last year or so into a timeline to give you a basic idea of the process. There are some other details and “God moments” in there that I will try to fill in in subsequent posts, but here is the basic story:

Summer 2007: After two years of trying to conceive, I was ready to start looking into adoption, but Mark wasn’t there yet. We decide to pursue some fertility treatments.
Fall/Early winter 2007: HSP, Clomid, three rounds of IUI.
January 2008: Last IUI. We decide to take February off from even thinking about what to do next.
February: My friend Annie calls, tells us about a pregnant friend of a friend looking for a family to pursue a private adoption. Mark’s still not completely sure about adoption in general, but it feels right to look into this situation.
Late February: We contact the potential birthfamily and wait to set up a meeting. Meanwhile, we hear about Spirit of Faith Adoptions (SOFA) from another friend, and call to ask if they can help with private adoptions
March: We visit Mark’s sister and her family in China. Mark has a great time with our adopted niece Gwen, and his heart changes—he’s ready to go for it.
Early April: We come home and find out the situation with Annie’s friend has fallen through. After grieving this loss, we contact SOFA, this time to say we’re interested in pursuing an adoption through them.
Late April: Stacy (our adoption worker) calls and tells us about a boy due in July whose birthmother wants to place him with a family outside the Toledo area. Although it’s not a sure thing because we haven’t even started our home study and the birthmother doesn’t know about us yet, it seems hopeful.
Early May: We start trying to quickly get our home study going, and attend the SOFA orientation in Toledo.
May and June 2008: We work hard on completing our home study so we will be ready for the baby in July
Late June: We get word that the baby boy due in July has been matched with another family. This is very difficult news, but we know that God is good.
Mid July: We finish our home study and turn in the first draft of our photo profile.
Late July: We get a call saying a baby boy has been born and the adoptive family has backed out—do we mind if they show our profile to the birthmother. We piece together the details and realize it’s the same baby we had been hoping for earlier.About five days later we get a call saying the birthmother saw our profile, but picked a family who lived out of state and had kids already.
August 2008: We finish the final draft of our photo profile, and begin the period of having nothing to do but wait.

Like I said, there will be some details I’ll fill in later, but for those of you who haven’t been aware of all these events, this will give you an idea of how those other details will fit in to the bigger picture. Also, if there’s anything you would like to know more about, please leave a comment and ask questions (I think I’ve fixed the settings so anyone can comment now). We were pretty ignorant at the beginning of this whole process about what goes into an adoption, and friends and family have asked a lot of questions as we’ve gone through this.

Looking back we can see clearly that God has brought us to this point. Originally, I had planned to say that all those strange and difficult situations were orchestrated by God to bring us to this point, but I’m not sure I can say that exactly. This whole process is fraught with questions about God’s sovereignty (I plan to write another post dedicated to some of those questions), but whether or not He actually orchestrated the situations that led us to this particular child, I have little doubt that He has chosen us to be this little boy’s parents. Because of the way things work with this type of adoption, nothing will be 100% until after the baby’s born and the papers are signed. But we trust that the phone calls, conversations, disappointments and decisions (made by us and others) that have taken place in the last year are being used by God to create our family. This is His plan, and we’re just stumbling along as we try to follow Him.