It bothered me enough that I went to the ministry's website and submitted a letter expressing my disappointment at their word choice. Here is the letter:
I just heard about your ministry recently while listening to a podcast of one of my favorite Moody radio shows. I have looked at your website and appreciate the ministry you have to parents and young people. I think you are doing a very good work. I wanted to write, though, because I was disappointed by something I heard in one of your short radio commentaries the other day. The message was encouraging parents to respect their teenage children by not embarrassing them. There was a little radio drama in which a father embarrasses his teenage daughter by trying to talk "hip" and her response is to say, "I am so adopted." I have a nine month old adopted son. When I heard the girl on the radio drama use the word adopted in that way, I was taken aback. I wondered what would my son think hearing something like that once he is old enough to start understanding and asking questions about his own adoption. I couldn't figure out why the writers of that short program would have chosen to use the word "adopted" to communicate the daughter's desire to distance herself from her father. As an adoptive parent, I was hurt by the implication that an adopted child is somehow less connected or less related to his or her parents than a biological child would be. I have looked at your website and I know that you appreciate adoption, which is wonderful. I just wanted to let you know that this particular radio commentary communicated something to me, and probably to others listening, that you may not have intended. Thank you for your work, and for listening to my concerns.This is the response I received:
Thanks for your note. I truly appreciate your thoughtful expression of concern. And you're right; the comment in question was never intended to harm or offend - rather to reflect the type of awkward feelings teens sometimes have when their parents try too hard to "be cool."The rest of the note was simply assuring me that they were a ministry for all types of parents, and that the ministry's president is an adoptive parent himself, etc. I confess I was hoping for something more--if not an actual apology for using the word "adopted" to reflect the teen's awkward feelings, at least an acknowledgment that my feelings were somehow understood. Instead I feel like the response was: The comment was never intended to harm or offend, so if you were offended, that's your problem not ours.
At this point I'm sure the most mature thing to do is just let it go. But part of me wants to write back and push them a little more--ask them, why did you choose that word? How do you think an adopted child hearing that word used in that way might feel about himself? Is there some way you could have expressed the same thing differently? Will you consider taking that particular spot off the air?
I would appreciate hearing from other adoptive parents out there--do you think I'm being overly sensitive? Should I continue the conversation, or just let it go?
3 comments:
Mindy,
This is such a tough issue. I think that as adoptive parents, we will always tend to be aware of things that non adoptive parents would not notice. I also think that most "insensitive" comments that we hear are said in ignorance, rather than to be purposefully unkind. That being said, it is our job to educate those who are willing to listen to making better word choices, such as biological child, rather than natural child, for example. I think you can be grateful that you received a response to your letter. I also would have preferred a stronger statement in their letter, but it's better than no response. Whether or not you write back is up to you... but let me know what you decide!
Personally, I think the expression was more a statement about not relating to her parents than a slam against adoption.
Adoption is not a dirty word and I'm not even sure it was used in a derogatory manner in this instance. It's like saying "I got none of my genes from you". For better or worse, that's true of our adopted kids. Even our bio kids only got half of their genes from us. When my son was little, he looked so much like his father that people would do a double take then laugh and ask me if had any genes of my own or if I was sure I was his mother.
I can understand why you'd cringe a bit when you heard the original statement because adoption is so much a part of our lives. For us, that word has FACES but to everyone else in the world, it's just a word.
Donna
Our Blog: Double Happiness!
Hello~
I am a friend of Lynne's (Jacinda Ross, from IL).I am not an adoptive parent...but I myself am adopted. I read the story and can see how it would affect you and also understand the radio station's intention. My parents were always very open about my adoption. They did not bring it up on a daily basis, but once I was old enough to understand, they left it at that and were open to any questions I had. I myself have joked over the years about someone who seemed to be so different from their family as being adopted or that I was glad I was adopted because I wouldn't inherit some undesirable trait, etc, from my adoptive parents (to me, they are simply..my parents...I wanted to clarify for this article's purpose). I truly don't think the station meant anything derogatory. And, for me, I personally wouldn't have been offended...I prob. would have laughed if I had been listening. All that being said, you certainly have the right to contact the station and express your viewpoint. I am all for seeking a solution to an issue rather than being upset about something and doing nothing. :) Perhaps there are other families who could identify with how it made you feel. I am sure your children are blessed to have you as their mother.
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