Blessed Are the Barren

When people find out we are adopting, they often ask why. Probably, what they really want to know is, "Aren't you able to have your own children?" I feel conflicted about this question, and the assumed/implied curiosity about our fertility. I know that I have asked the same question of others who have adopted--even if I wasn't brave enough to actually ask the question, I have wondered to myself.

I don't really mind telling people our story. I'm a pretty open person, so I'm almost always comfortable telling people that, although doctors have not found a reason for it, we haven't been able to conceive naturally or with some medical help. But I can't say that's the answer to the question, "Why are you adopting?"

When I get this question I tend to assume (perhaps wrongly) that the person is asking because they feel that adoption is a second-best option, a last resort. Obviously if we could conceive a child we wouldn't be choosing to adopt, right? I find this especially difficult when it is Christians who seem to send that vibe. I wish that adoption was more in the forefront of the Church--that it was seen as a normal way to build a family

More than a year into our "infertility" problems, a friend of mine gave me an article from Christianity Today called "Blessed Are the Barren." It was the cover story of that issue, and the picture on the cover was a bit...uncomfortable. It was a leafless tree with twisted limbs stretched out like arms, and a woman's head growing between them out of the trunk . The article itself was pretty provocative and, at times, quite harsh. The author has experienced barrenness herself, and describes it in very desolate terms: "We are a big mistake. We are an abomination in nature—we exist pointlessly because we cannot make more of our species. We are an abomination according to the charge of Genesis, because we cannot be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth. Our love does not bear fruit."

At the time that I read this article in late 2007 or early 2008, I still didn't like the idea of the word "infertility" applying to us (I still don't for that matter). We had been trying for more than two years, and, according to most things I've read, when the woman is younger than 35, you are considered infertile after one year of trying unsuccessfully to conceive. (Once you reach 35 the wait time for this distinguished title is only six months.) It didn't matter that nothing had been found medically wrong with either of us; we were, and still are, considered infertile.

In early 2008, we were getting ready for our third round of IUI (for those of you not familiar with the world of fertility procedures, I'll let you do some research to learn what IUI is). The monthly roller coaster of waiting to find out if I was pregnant was not easy. It got harder as more and more things didn't work. I have done some reading, and apparently we didn't even scratch the surface of the plethora of tests, drugs and procedures we could have tried. Thankfully (I am thankful for it now), my HMO had a pretty standard protocol for infertility treatment, the trade-off being affordability. This last round of IUI was our last affordable medical option.

At the end of January, after this last procedure didn't work, we decided to take the next month off. We even figured we wouldn't talk about what our next step might be; we were just taking a break. Looking back on it now, I guess God had other ideas for our February.

At some point during all this I asked Mark to read "Blessed Are the Barren." He only made it through the first couple of pages. I was able to ask Mark to read it because I had gotten past the bleak beginning and on to the redemption. This article in many ways answers the question for me, "Why are you adopting?" I have wanted to adopt since before I was married, and I appreciated this article because it articulated some profound spiritual ideas about adoption. I hope you will read it. Our story isn't quite the same as the author's, but there was a lot in there I could relate to. Mark and I still might conceive a child biologically. There was a lot more we could have tried medically. But the fact is, we didn't want to wait for that to happen, or spend a lot more money hoping that medicine could help the process along. Instead we decided to experience the miracle of adoption.

How we actually came to that decision and started that process will be the next chapter to this story. In the meantime, check out "Blessed Are the Barren."