Inviting God In

We've been ready, not only emotionally but legally and officially, to adopt our second child for a long time now. Our paperwork was finished over 15 months ago, and we're still waiting.

An update from our adoption agency this month informed us that four families have been matched with babies in recent months. For all four families this will be their first child--the birthmothers who have been choosing adoption through our agency lately have wanted their children to go to families without any children yet. I can understand this, and I'm happy for those couples--I'm sure they are thrilled to finally become parents. But I can't help but think to myself, "Why didn't they pick us?"

Although with Isaac we only waited three months from the time our paperwork was finished to the time we were matched, we had been wanting and trying to have a child for three years. That was very difficult. But I'm starting to notice that this second round of waiting has been difficult too. Isaac has been a wonderful distraction, and even without such a distraction my brain tends to be late in catching on to what my heart is feeling. But I'm realizing now that my heart has been aching for a while.

Lots of my friends have had babies within the last few months and several more have shared news that they're pregnant. It's hard for me to fathom that for many couples, maybe for most couples, they simply decide to have a child and, within a year or so, they have one. I hope they don't take for granted what a miracle that is.

I know some families have waited many, many years for adoptions or pregnancies, and our wait has been relatively short. But I don't think comparing one's suffering to another's is helpful. Waiting is hard while you're in it, especially when you have no idea how long the wait will be.

For whatever reason, I'm just now realizing how sad I am because we're still waiting. The longer we wait, the more difficult it becomes to hope that we will someday have another child, and even less likely that we will ever have a third. I know God is not absent from this process, and I don't plan to wallow in my sadness. In my mind I can say that it's very likely that God will give us another child. But I still feel sad, and I don't want to ignore that. I'd rather invite God into it, and ask Him to meet me there.