I have heard several people say that they are not sure about adoption as a choice for them because “you just don’t know what you’re going to get.” Obviously, to some extent, that’s true no matter how you end up with children. I could argue that as adoptive parents, we have more say in what we get than parents through pregnancy. If you get pregnant you have little choice—you will bring home a newborn baby who will probably have physical characteristics and personality traits from both or at least one of the parents. If your child is born with physical or mental disabilities, you find a way to deal with it. Mark and I, on the other hand, got to (had to?) fill out a six-page “Child Characteristic Checklist.” It doesn’t seem quite right, but this list asked us to pick the age, race and even personality of our child. We could say whether or not we would consider adopting a child with any number of diseases or disabilities.
Filling out this list was excruciating for me, because whenever we started to check “no” on any choice, I felt like I was telling my own child “I can’t love you if you have this problem.” I had to pray through this process. Years before I met Mark, when I first started thinking that I wanted to adopt, I pictured myself adopting an older child, possibly with special needs, probably of a different race than me. A main reason for wanting to adopt at that time was that I felt (and still feel) compassion toward kids caught in a broken foster care system. It seemed like that was where the greatest need was. Adopting a “healthy white baby” somehow seemed like cheating. Everyone wants a healthy newborn—I wanted to give a home to a child no one else wanted.
That was the ideal. The reality was that when Mark and I sat down to fill out this checklist, we had to prayerfully consider what we could really handle at this point in our lives—emotionally, financially, spiritually, socially. In the end, our completed home study said we were approved to adopt “one child of either sex ranging in age from birth to one year with mild needs”.
Of course, even after all that, we still don’t know exactly what we’re going to get. We do know that we are having a newborn baby boy, and that his birthmother is white. We’ve met her several times, so we know what she looks like. We know that she hasn’t smoked or drunk alcohol since she’s been pregnant, and she has had good prenatal care. As far as we can tell, she and the baby are both as healthy as can be.
There is still a lot we don’t know. We don’t know what his voice will sound like, or whether he will be an introvert or an extrovert, or whether he will like team sports or individual sports or no sports. We don’t know if he will be strong-willed or compliant. Or if he’ll get into trouble at school. Or if he’ll have a lot of friends. Will he be good with his hands and love to work in the garden like his father? Will he be a thinker and love math like his mother?
Do parents through pregnancy really know much more than we do about what they are going to get? I don’t know. The fact is, it doesn’t matter much what we do or don’t know about this little boy. God already knows everything about him, and everything about us. And all the evidence we have so far says that God has meant for us to be this child’s parents. That’s all we need to know.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
Erdmann Baby
Last spring, a friend of Mark’s family felt led to pray for Mark and me to conceive a child. In fact, I think I even remember him praying that we would conceive a child, like, that night. While I was grateful for the prayer, at the time we were already in the thick of our home study, and that was more my focus. I certainly wouldn’t have minded conceiving at that time, or at any time before or since, but at that point I would have rather had prayer for the adoption process.
This has happened a lot since we committed to adoption. For the most part I don’t mind if someone feels led and asks to pray that we would conceive a child. What bothers me a bit more is when we specifically ask for prayer for the adoption, but people end up praying for conception. Don’t get me wrong—we would be thrilled to find out I was pregnant. But when we want prayer for adoption and people end up praying that we would conceive, it can feel like the pray-er is assuming that we would prefer to get pregnant, and adoption is a second best option. Yes, I am disappointed that I have been unable to get pregnant so far, but I am not in the least disappointed to be adopting. It is something I would have wanted to do anyway at some point.
Anyway, as that friend prayed, he brought up the lineage that Mark comes from—a strong line of Christian men and women, some pastors, many people of prayer, including his 100 year old grandmother who has always been a prayer warrior for her grandchildren. Something in the way he prayed this seemed to highlight the significance of the fact that this baby he was praying for would be born into this lineage.
When Mark and I were first talking about adoption, he was somewhat disappointed that an adopted child wouldn’t share this biological ancestry. He mentioned this concern to a wise friend of ours, who gave Mark some wonderful words of encouragement. Our adopted children will still be a part of this line of Christ-followers. The way we raise our children will be influenced by the way we were raised, and that was influenced by the way our parents were raised, and so on, back and back and back. Our son will grow up with family traditions that go back generations. And not only traditions, but mannerisms, values and habits have been passed on through our parents, and will be passed on to our child. Prayers that have been said by generations of Erdmanns for children and grandchildren will apply to this child every bit as much as to any children we may have through pregnancy. There may not be a biological connection with our first, but I would argue that the biology isn’t the important part anyway. Faith and character are not genetic traits.
This is very much in line with what Paul said about adoption versus birth. The author of the article “Blessed are the Barren” that I have mentioned in previous posts, even claims that God cares more about adoption than He does about birth. She points out Paul’s argument that while he was a “Hebrew of Hebrews” and came from a biological line that set him up to be a “Pharisee of Pharisees,” that meant nothing compared to his adoption as a true son of God. Our child may not be born into the wonderful family that Mark was born into, but his adoption into this family is no less real and no less powerful.
It is interesting to point out that the timing for this prayer by Mark’s family friend happened Memorial Day weekend of last year. Exactly nine months before our baby’s due date. Could it be that he did hear from God that our child would be conceived that night, and just assumed that meant conceived by us? Who knows. But this child will be ours, and he will grow up to carry on the lineage of his father (and his mother), whether he carries an Erdmann gene or not.
This has happened a lot since we committed to adoption. For the most part I don’t mind if someone feels led and asks to pray that we would conceive a child. What bothers me a bit more is when we specifically ask for prayer for the adoption, but people end up praying for conception. Don’t get me wrong—we would be thrilled to find out I was pregnant. But when we want prayer for adoption and people end up praying that we would conceive, it can feel like the pray-er is assuming that we would prefer to get pregnant, and adoption is a second best option. Yes, I am disappointed that I have been unable to get pregnant so far, but I am not in the least disappointed to be adopting. It is something I would have wanted to do anyway at some point.
Anyway, as that friend prayed, he brought up the lineage that Mark comes from—a strong line of Christian men and women, some pastors, many people of prayer, including his 100 year old grandmother who has always been a prayer warrior for her grandchildren. Something in the way he prayed this seemed to highlight the significance of the fact that this baby he was praying for would be born into this lineage.
When Mark and I were first talking about adoption, he was somewhat disappointed that an adopted child wouldn’t share this biological ancestry. He mentioned this concern to a wise friend of ours, who gave Mark some wonderful words of encouragement. Our adopted children will still be a part of this line of Christ-followers. The way we raise our children will be influenced by the way we were raised, and that was influenced by the way our parents were raised, and so on, back and back and back. Our son will grow up with family traditions that go back generations. And not only traditions, but mannerisms, values and habits have been passed on through our parents, and will be passed on to our child. Prayers that have been said by generations of Erdmanns for children and grandchildren will apply to this child every bit as much as to any children we may have through pregnancy. There may not be a biological connection with our first, but I would argue that the biology isn’t the important part anyway. Faith and character are not genetic traits.
This is very much in line with what Paul said about adoption versus birth. The author of the article “Blessed are the Barren” that I have mentioned in previous posts, even claims that God cares more about adoption than He does about birth. She points out Paul’s argument that while he was a “Hebrew of Hebrews” and came from a biological line that set him up to be a “Pharisee of Pharisees,” that meant nothing compared to his adoption as a true son of God. Our child may not be born into the wonderful family that Mark was born into, but his adoption into this family is no less real and no less powerful.
It is interesting to point out that the timing for this prayer by Mark’s family friend happened Memorial Day weekend of last year. Exactly nine months before our baby’s due date. Could it be that he did hear from God that our child would be conceived that night, and just assumed that meant conceived by us? Who knows. But this child will be ours, and he will grow up to carry on the lineage of his father (and his mother), whether he carries an Erdmann gene or not.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
A Timeline
I keep trying to write a blog to explain how we came to the decision to adopt, and it keeps ending up being too long, and probably too detailed. The answer in simplest form is: God.
God used several friends, our niece Gwen, and some strange and difficult situations to get the ball rolling for us, and to lead us to the baby we’ll bring home in February. To save some space and time, I’ve tried to whittle down the last year or so into a timeline to give you a basic idea of the process. There are some other details and “God moments” in there that I will try to fill in in subsequent posts, but here is the basic story:
Summer 2007: After two years of trying to conceive, I was ready to start looking into adoption, but Mark wasn’t there yet. We decide to pursue some fertility treatments.
Fall/Early winter 2007: HSP, Clomid, three rounds of IUI.
January 2008: Last IUI. We decide to take February off from even thinking about what to do next.
February: My friend Annie calls, tells us about a pregnant friend of a friend looking for a family to pursue a private adoption. Mark’s still not completely sure about adoption in general, but it feels right to look into this situation.
Late February: We contact the potential birthfamily and wait to set up a meeting. Meanwhile, we hear about Spirit of Faith Adoptions (SOFA) from another friend, and call to ask if they can help with private adoptions
March: We visit Mark’s sister and her family in China. Mark has a great time with our adopted niece Gwen, and his heart changes—he’s ready to go for it.
Early April: We come home and find out the situation with Annie’s friend has fallen through. After grieving this loss, we contact SOFA, this time to say we’re interested in pursuing an adoption through them.
Late April: Stacy (our adoption worker) calls and tells us about a boy due in July whose birthmother wants to place him with a family outside the Toledo area. Although it’s not a sure thing because we haven’t even started our home study and the birthmother doesn’t know about us yet, it seems hopeful.
Early May: We start trying to quickly get our home study going, and attend the SOFA orientation in Toledo.
May and June 2008: We work hard on completing our home study so we will be ready for the baby in July
Late June: We get word that the baby boy due in July has been matched with another family. This is very difficult news, but we know that God is good.
Mid July: We finish our home study and turn in the first draft of our photo profile.
Late July: We get a call saying a baby boy has been born and the adoptive family has backed out—do we mind if they show our profile to the birthmother. We piece together the details and realize it’s the same baby we had been hoping for earlier.About five days later we get a call saying the birthmother saw our profile, but picked a family who lived out of state and had kids already.
August 2008: We finish the final draft of our photo profile, and begin the period of having nothing to do but wait.
Like I said, there will be some details I’ll fill in later, but for those of you who haven’t been aware of all these events, this will give you an idea of how those other details will fit in to the bigger picture. Also, if there’s anything you would like to know more about, please leave a comment and ask questions (I think I’ve fixed the settings so anyone can comment now). We were pretty ignorant at the beginning of this whole process about what goes into an adoption, and friends and family have asked a lot of questions as we’ve gone through this.
Looking back we can see clearly that God has brought us to this point. Originally, I had planned to say that all those strange and difficult situations were orchestrated by God to bring us to this point, but I’m not sure I can say that exactly. This whole process is fraught with questions about God’s sovereignty (I plan to write another post dedicated to some of those questions), but whether or not He actually orchestrated the situations that led us to this particular child, I have little doubt that He has chosen us to be this little boy’s parents. Because of the way things work with this type of adoption, nothing will be 100% until after the baby’s born and the papers are signed. But we trust that the phone calls, conversations, disappointments and decisions (made by us and others) that have taken place in the last year are being used by God to create our family. This is His plan, and we’re just stumbling along as we try to follow Him.
God used several friends, our niece Gwen, and some strange and difficult situations to get the ball rolling for us, and to lead us to the baby we’ll bring home in February. To save some space and time, I’ve tried to whittle down the last year or so into a timeline to give you a basic idea of the process. There are some other details and “God moments” in there that I will try to fill in in subsequent posts, but here is the basic story:
Summer 2007: After two years of trying to conceive, I was ready to start looking into adoption, but Mark wasn’t there yet. We decide to pursue some fertility treatments.
Fall/Early winter 2007: HSP, Clomid, three rounds of IUI.
January 2008: Last IUI. We decide to take February off from even thinking about what to do next.
February: My friend Annie calls, tells us about a pregnant friend of a friend looking for a family to pursue a private adoption. Mark’s still not completely sure about adoption in general, but it feels right to look into this situation.
Late February: We contact the potential birthfamily and wait to set up a meeting. Meanwhile, we hear about Spirit of Faith Adoptions (SOFA) from another friend, and call to ask if they can help with private adoptions
March: We visit Mark’s sister and her family in China. Mark has a great time with our adopted niece Gwen, and his heart changes—he’s ready to go for it.
Early April: We come home and find out the situation with Annie’s friend has fallen through. After grieving this loss, we contact SOFA, this time to say we’re interested in pursuing an adoption through them.
Late April: Stacy (our adoption worker) calls and tells us about a boy due in July whose birthmother wants to place him with a family outside the Toledo area. Although it’s not a sure thing because we haven’t even started our home study and the birthmother doesn’t know about us yet, it seems hopeful.
Early May: We start trying to quickly get our home study going, and attend the SOFA orientation in Toledo.
May and June 2008: We work hard on completing our home study so we will be ready for the baby in July
Late June: We get word that the baby boy due in July has been matched with another family. This is very difficult news, but we know that God is good.
Mid July: We finish our home study and turn in the first draft of our photo profile.
Late July: We get a call saying a baby boy has been born and the adoptive family has backed out—do we mind if they show our profile to the birthmother. We piece together the details and realize it’s the same baby we had been hoping for earlier.About five days later we get a call saying the birthmother saw our profile, but picked a family who lived out of state and had kids already.
August 2008: We finish the final draft of our photo profile, and begin the period of having nothing to do but wait.
Like I said, there will be some details I’ll fill in later, but for those of you who haven’t been aware of all these events, this will give you an idea of how those other details will fit in to the bigger picture. Also, if there’s anything you would like to know more about, please leave a comment and ask questions (I think I’ve fixed the settings so anyone can comment now). We were pretty ignorant at the beginning of this whole process about what goes into an adoption, and friends and family have asked a lot of questions as we’ve gone through this.
Looking back we can see clearly that God has brought us to this point. Originally, I had planned to say that all those strange and difficult situations were orchestrated by God to bring us to this point, but I’m not sure I can say that exactly. This whole process is fraught with questions about God’s sovereignty (I plan to write another post dedicated to some of those questions), but whether or not He actually orchestrated the situations that led us to this particular child, I have little doubt that He has chosen us to be this little boy’s parents. Because of the way things work with this type of adoption, nothing will be 100% until after the baby’s born and the papers are signed. But we trust that the phone calls, conversations, disappointments and decisions (made by us and others) that have taken place in the last year are being used by God to create our family. This is His plan, and we’re just stumbling along as we try to follow Him.
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